First off, I want to thank you all for your wondrous happy birthdays. Those mean the world to me and I will thank you each personally when I can. It really meant so much to me that i got those little tiny wishes, especially now. I can't again, thank all of you enough for the support and birthday wishes, that comes from the bottom of my heart.
came over for my birthday and we did so many fun things together; from the field museum to the beaches, to mini golfing, and the mall... it was one of the best times of my life. I haven't had that much fun in years, and even if we missed her flight home due to bad city traffic, in the end she got home alright and had a blast too. I miss her a lot.
I still miss my dad.
It's always there, tugging on the back of my sleeve like a lost child. And just when I feel like I overcome that feeling, something or someone has to remind me that he's dead. That he died. That he is never coming back. That all the tears in the world won't fix it. That no magical spell, or amount of science will replicate my father. He's gone. He's gone and I will never hear him telling me stories again. I never got to say the things I wanted to, and I never really payed attention. I always thought he would be there forever, and I took him for granted. My dad is dead, and though not everyone understands that concept, the concept of someone that close dying, its a horrifying thing. I keep watching the door at night before bed. Hoping he'll walk in after work. And every-night I sleep on the sofa, his sofa.. the last place he last slept I stare at his urn on the fireplace mantle, or look at his framed police badge on the stereo he bought and was so happy that it played records. Everything reminds me of him, and I try so hard to keep it to myself and not cry a river. I want to be strong, like he wanted me to be. But I don't think I can do it forever. I can't support this family, and I can't do everything my mom thinks I can. She wants me to be her rock, and I can't do that no matter how much I lie to myself. I could never do it. I am just one person, and I feel like I'm made of glass. I reflect how I want people to see me on the outside, hiding my depressed flaws and anxietal cracks as the pressures of life come crashing down on me in slow-mo. I don't want to cry. I am tired of crying. He never wanted me to cry for him once he was gone, saying it was selfish of me to wish him back into a suffering body. But is it so selfish to mourn? Is that so wrong dad?
Every tiny thing makes me hear his voice. Everything reminds me of the memories we shared, or the memories we never got to. I can't even bring myself to play resident evil anymore. It was his favorite game you know. He would play it every night when we moved. we'd beg and beg for him to play, and sit there and watch him play it for hours leaping at the slightest scary noise. I can't bring myself to do it. The day he died I was getting ready to play it for him, getting some practice rounds in when i heard him banging on the floor. If I wasn't awake.... I.... /we/ might have found him instead. I can't do it. Every little thing makes me think of him. Every smell, sight, and adventure. I always wonder if he's okay. Then I realize... when you're dead that doesn't really matter anymore.
Life is rutting with me, and I think my horns are finally starting to crack. I want to keep all my friends happy by placing this facade of happiness, never admitting I'm so upset. I want them to be happy, and I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want anyone to worry about me, and I know I'll be just fine in the end anyway. But I still miss him. I still don't know how to handle any of this, or anything really. I want to lay down in bed for a week and do nothing but stare at the ceiling anymore. It's hard, and I have no way of coping anymore. I want to remember happy things of him. I want to smile when I think of him. Every time I do though I only get tears of sand. Painful, dry, and nothing but preserved memories.
Apologies for the mild rant, but after having been crying for over an hour, I just didn't have anyway to let it out. Feel free to ignore thing, but I did make it to say thank you to everyone. you are all wonderful people who deserve love and hugs. I want you all to know that everyone single happy birthday made my so happy I was on the verge of tears, much to my snake's delight(he likes the taste for some reason.). So I thank you again, those B-day wishes were the most special thing to me, and made me one of the happiest people on my birthday. Thank you. You are so wonderful.
Please take care of yourselves